Tag Archives: weight

A Party Because I’m Awesome

No. I haven’t decided what my blog is going to be about yet. Besides being a champion procrastinator, a very good friend of mine pointed out that I should focus on something I am passionate about. But I can’t decide which I am more passionate about – counting spoons or becoming a husband-nagging polygamist. Plus I’m waiting for more votes. Waiting while other people decide your fate is in the Procrastinator Code of Proper Conduct.

So until we return to regularly scheduled programming, I’m going to give you the recipe for turning penguin pants into a party for awesomeness. Confused? Just follow these simple directions:

Step One: Get four hours of sleep or less.

Step Two: Discover you have no clean pants to wear five minutes before you leave for work. Whoops.

Step Three: Wear a pair of pants one size too small. Wear said pants low on your hips (because you are clearly too fat for them) so that the crotch hangs down. Congratulations! You’ve made it to Penguin Pants and can now proceed.

Step Four: You know that lunch your thoughtful husband packed for you because he knew you didn’t sleep well and were running late? Make sure you do NOT grab that on the way out the door. This is very important.

Step Five: Run your butt off at work leaving yourself only 30 minutes for lunch. This guarantees you will not have time to go home for your lunch. But make sure to visualize your lunch. Can you see it there? It’s crying, wondering what it did wrong. Poor lunch. All lonely in the dark fridge surrounded by floppy celery and forgotten juice boxes.

Step Six: Even though you continue to walk in a waddling gate because your pants are too small, decide (once again) that eating Taco Bell just this once won’t hurt you.

Step Seven: Discover you have also forgotten your wallet.

Step Eight: Complain endlessly to Thoughtful Husband via text.

Step Nine: Come home to find said Thoughtful Husband stopped and bought the dinkiest, cutest cake in the world. And when your son asks why we have cake Thoughtful Husband replies, “Because your Mom is awesome.”

Yeah. You know what? I think I won the Husband Lotto.

P.S. If you haven’t voted yet, scroll down and participate in my “What Should I Blog About” poll. Thanks!



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